Ron DeSantis wants teenagers working more hours, longer days, and with fewer breaks—all to patch up the labor gap left by undocumented immigrants he pushed out of Florida. Yes, in 2025, the state’s solution to a workforce crisis isn’t better wages or humane immigration reform. It’s sending 16-year-olds straight from algebra to a 10-hour kitchen shift.
If that sounds like a plot twist from The Hunger Games: Florida Edition, buckle up. Because if we’re rolling back child labor laws in the name of nostalgia, we might as well go full retro. Think chamber pots, gator wrestling, and maybe even a little witch burning to spice things up.
Here’s a satirical look at the next logical steps in DeSantis’ Back-to-the-Past policy playbook.
Why invest in firefighters when we can hand teens a bucket and a dream? High schoolers will now be required to attend “Firefighting Fridays,” where they’ll run buckets of water from the nearest swamp to your burning home. Extra credit if they save your grandma’s cat.
New legislation encourages teens to shadow retirees and learn how to properly dispose of human waste — no indoor plumbing needed! A skill every young Floridian should master in the event we defund sanitation departments in the name of freedom.
Literal bootstraps. Every Florida child will now be issued a pair...
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